Marla’s family has a secret…
one that she wants to share with all of you.

Marla has been undergoing changes in her cognitive function for at least five years. Recently celebrating her 89th birthday, she is blessed with three wonderful sons who visit her weekly, along with one son who comes by every day. Her three daughters-in-law also make regular visits and provide assistance whenever necessary. Overall, these visits are enjoyable, filled with conversations about family, vacations, and the everyday happenings of life.

One Monday afternoon, I could hear some shouting coming from Marla’s room, followed by a stern response from her son.  “Mom, that’s not how it is.  I have told you before that no one is taking your things, you misplace them or hide them and then cannot find them.”  

Marla was not pleased with that answer and yelled back “that is not at all what is happening, someone is taking my things.” and she is certain she knows who. “It is that lady across the hall.  She is always eyeing my things.”  The argument continues for a few more minutes. Her son begins to think it may be best for both of them if he leaves. 

At Holisticare Homes it is important that visits with family and friends remain joyful and pleasant. 

This was my perfect opportunity to have a conversation with him about what is happening and how to deal with it.  

You see, most people feel a strong need to correct their loved one when they are experiencing memory loss, paranoia or have returned to an earlier time.  But this generally results in more confusion and frustration or fear and dread for the person. In these moments they cannot rationalize what is happening.  

I have spent the past three years training my team and explaining to family members about the importance of being in their reality with them, not fighting against it.

This approach is not intended to deceive her or trivialize a serious illness that impacts many lives. Rather, it aims to connect with her reality, which is profoundly significant to her. The goal is to ease the atmosphere, alleviate any fears, and foster a positive visit that is free from the pressure of being right or correcting her perception of reality in this moment.

So what should Don say instead?  How do I teach my team to handle these situations?

VALIDATE WITHOUT JUDGEMENT: 

First, let her know that you hear what she is saying. 

Don: “Mom, you said your crocheting needles are missing?”

Marla: “Yes and I know that lady across the hall took them.  She is always asking me about my crocheting and eyeing my stuff.”

EMPHATHIZE:

Let her know that you understand her frustration.

Don: “Mom, I bet that is frustrating to you.  I can imagine that your stuff coming up missing bothers you.”

AGREE: 

Agree with her. 

 Don: “If my stuff came up missing, it would bother me too and I would want to find it.”

Marla: “Yes it is and I would like someone to do something about it.”

FOCUS ON A POSSIBLE SOLUTION: 

Offer a solution that makes sense to her.

Don: “Mom, I will talk to Shelley about this and we will all do some investigating to determine where your stuff is and do our best to make sure it does not continue to happen.”

Marla: “Yes please do, I want my stuff back.”

Now the conversation has become a reminiscing experience that will be much more pleasant and meaningful, because…you are not going to change her reality, and it will just make for a stressful and unpleasant visit!

The more we share and discover real life answers to our real life problems, the better we will be able to solve them!

I would love to hear from you! How have you created and maintained a pleasant visit with your loved one?

 Send stories to Shelley@holisticarehomes.com. 

Real life experiences help us connect with others and grasp for more understanding; sharing your story could change someone else’s. Please email me your experience to share with readers of my blog.